Dear Lindsey,
I am a 36 year old, divorcee with three children ages, 14, 12, and 9. I've been dating my boyfriend, "Harry" for a year and a half now. I truly think he is my soul mate, if that exists. He's everything I've been looking for and never found with my ex-husband. Harry is 3, has never been married, and has no children. He's expressed to me in passing that although he loves my children, he'd like to have at least one of his own some day. I'm not sure I want to have any more children. I've loved raising the three I have and enjoy getting to bond with them doing things children their ages enjoy. The idea of sleepless nights, poopy diapers, and breast feeding frankly make me somewhat nauseous to think about. I love Harry and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't know if I'm willing to give him a child just to keep him in my life. I also don't think it's very fair of me to ask him to spend the rest of his life with a woman who isn't willing to give him what he wants. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Unsettled
Dear Unsettled,
You are in quite the pickle! I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure if I have a good answer for you. It sounds like you and Harry have never really sat down and discussed the baby issue. Your best bet is to sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart discussion about what you both really want and try to come to some compromise. It may be that he just mentioned it to see what your reaction would be. It's possible he would like to have kids, but he's willing to pass on the opportunity just to be with you. On the other hand, it may be a deal breaker for him. You won't know until you two hash out the situation.
You also need to do some soul searching of your own. Would having another child really be the worse thing in the world, especially if the baby was part you and part of your "soul mate"? If you really love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him, you may want to reconsider your stance on having a baby. The thought of sleepless nights and poopy diapers may be nauseating now, but that phase doesn't last that long in the grand scheme of things. What you're left with is a beautiful child that has come from both of you.
If you decide you absolutely are done having children, then you need to make that clear to Harry and let him decide whether he wants to be with you or not. Please, please, please do not have a baby just to keep your man. That is something immature girls do, not grown women. I'm not sure of your mental status (hopefully it's a positive one), but you never know when feelings of resentment and regret may creep into your head after the baby is here. This could cause friction between you and Harry in the long run, which could lead to your second divorce. This also leaves you with a child you didn't want in the first place.
Follow your head on this one, because your heart is going to lead to irrational decisions! Good luck!
Lots of love,
Lindsey
Question from Stuck in the Middle
Sorry to all of my readers for the break in posts. I was on vacation in the lovely state of Wisconsin, but have returned to tell it like it is. Thanks for reading!
Dear Lindsey,
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and about 3 months ago I cheated on him with a co-worker while I was drunk at a work party. It was a stupid decision that I deeply regret. I haven't told my boyfriend yet because I just can't come up with the right words to express how stupid I am and how much I love him. The worst part is that I recently found out I'm pregnant and the conception date would be right about the time I cheated. With a baby now in the mix, I'm debating whether I should even tell my boyfriend or not and just let him think the baby is his. If I did that, my child would grow up with a loving father, but if I told him the truth I risk losing him and having no father for my baby. I'm absolutely stuck as to what I should do. Please help.
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
Next time you decide to get drunk at a party, please keep your legs closed. This is one of the most careless acts I've ever heard of. I can't believe you pulled a "Maury Povich" and have no idea who your baby's daddy is.
You absolutely have to tell both men. You made the stupid decision to cheat on your boyfriend, and now you must live with the consequences. It's not fair to anyone to assume the baby is your boyfriend's and go on living your lives as normal. What happens if God forbid something happens to your child and it's exposed that he has neither of your blood types, but in fact has the blood type of your co-worker. It's a long-shot scenario, but if something like that happens you are going to make your life much worse. The truth always ends up coming out somehow, and it's always better to just fess up instead of lying.
Tell both men right away so you know where you stand with each of them. If your boyfriend cans your ass, then too bad, you deserve it. Your co-worker also needs to know that he could potentially be a daddy because that is a life-long commitment that he needs to prepare himself for.
I would get the baby tested as soon as it's safe so these two poor saps aren't left in the lurch. If both men abandon you then you need to start figuring out what you're going to do to support both you and your child. Please don't screw up your kid's life any more than it already is just because you couldn't keep your panties on!
Lots of Love,
Lindsey
Dear Lindsey,
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and about 3 months ago I cheated on him with a co-worker while I was drunk at a work party. It was a stupid decision that I deeply regret. I haven't told my boyfriend yet because I just can't come up with the right words to express how stupid I am and how much I love him. The worst part is that I recently found out I'm pregnant and the conception date would be right about the time I cheated. With a baby now in the mix, I'm debating whether I should even tell my boyfriend or not and just let him think the baby is his. If I did that, my child would grow up with a loving father, but if I told him the truth I risk losing him and having no father for my baby. I'm absolutely stuck as to what I should do. Please help.
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
Next time you decide to get drunk at a party, please keep your legs closed. This is one of the most careless acts I've ever heard of. I can't believe you pulled a "Maury Povich" and have no idea who your baby's daddy is.
You absolutely have to tell both men. You made the stupid decision to cheat on your boyfriend, and now you must live with the consequences. It's not fair to anyone to assume the baby is your boyfriend's and go on living your lives as normal. What happens if God forbid something happens to your child and it's exposed that he has neither of your blood types, but in fact has the blood type of your co-worker. It's a long-shot scenario, but if something like that happens you are going to make your life much worse. The truth always ends up coming out somehow, and it's always better to just fess up instead of lying.
Tell both men right away so you know where you stand with each of them. If your boyfriend cans your ass, then too bad, you deserve it. Your co-worker also needs to know that he could potentially be a daddy because that is a life-long commitment that he needs to prepare himself for.
I would get the baby tested as soon as it's safe so these two poor saps aren't left in the lurch. If both men abandon you then you need to start figuring out what you're going to do to support both you and your child. Please don't screw up your kid's life any more than it already is just because you couldn't keep your panties on!
Lots of Love,
Lindsey
Question from Disappointed in Colorado
Dear Lindsey,
My brother, sister-in-law, and their two children recently visited from out of state. They stayed with my husband and I for 10 days and during that time, their 8 year old daughter, "Sally" was always "borrowing" things without permission. It was made clear to both of the children that our bedroom and bathroom were off limits. One day I found her in my bathroom playing with my designer make-up which she pretty much ruined. She also took clothes out of my closet, went through my jewelry box, and even took money out of a savings jar I had stored in our closet. When Sally got caught taking each of these things, her mother made her give them back, told her not to do it again, and did nothing more to punish her. I tried to talk to my brother about this behavior and he just waffled and told me that his wife does the discipline. I can't believe they let Sally get away with this type of behavior and do nothing about it. I'm afraid she's going to grow up to be a kleptomaniac or partake in other worse behavior as she gets older. How can I get through to my brother and sister-in-law that their lack of discipline is unacceptable?
-Disappointed in Colorado
Dear Disappointed in Colorado,
It sounds like your brother and sister-in-law need a wake up call! This isn't the first time I've heard this type of scenario, and I don't understand why some parents are so lazy in the discipline area. Children need boundaries and consequences to their actions. Some parents want to be their childrens' friend and be a cool parent. Well, kids are going to have enough friends their own age. They don't need more friends, they need parents!
It isn't fair to you when your niece steals and destroys your things. You are trying to do your family a favor by letting them stay with you while you visit and this type of behavior should be unacceptable to Sally's parents. If they are unwilling to take action when Sally is acting up, then you have the right to discipline her yourself while she's under your roof. If her parents don't like it, then you can ask them to stay in a hotel during their visits.
Maybe during their next visit or over the phone you can have a heart to heart discussion with Sally about why she is being such a brat and pulling a Winona Ryder in your house. It may be an extension of something that is going on at home or school that your brother or sister-in-law hasn't told you about. Many times when children act out it's because there's a bigger issue going on.
Sally is not your kid so ultimately you can not make parenting decisions. All you can do is tell Sally's parents how you feel and hope they do something about it. For future visits, tell them they can either keep their kid in check, stay in a hotel, or don't visit at all. Maybe that will be enough to make them realize Sally's behavior is inappropriate and unwelcoming.
Lots of Love,
Lindsey
My brother, sister-in-law, and their two children recently visited from out of state. They stayed with my husband and I for 10 days and during that time, their 8 year old daughter, "Sally" was always "borrowing" things without permission. It was made clear to both of the children that our bedroom and bathroom were off limits. One day I found her in my bathroom playing with my designer make-up which she pretty much ruined. She also took clothes out of my closet, went through my jewelry box, and even took money out of a savings jar I had stored in our closet. When Sally got caught taking each of these things, her mother made her give them back, told her not to do it again, and did nothing more to punish her. I tried to talk to my brother about this behavior and he just waffled and told me that his wife does the discipline. I can't believe they let Sally get away with this type of behavior and do nothing about it. I'm afraid she's going to grow up to be a kleptomaniac or partake in other worse behavior as she gets older. How can I get through to my brother and sister-in-law that their lack of discipline is unacceptable?
-Disappointed in Colorado
Dear Disappointed in Colorado,
It sounds like your brother and sister-in-law need a wake up call! This isn't the first time I've heard this type of scenario, and I don't understand why some parents are so lazy in the discipline area. Children need boundaries and consequences to their actions. Some parents want to be their childrens' friend and be a cool parent. Well, kids are going to have enough friends their own age. They don't need more friends, they need parents!
It isn't fair to you when your niece steals and destroys your things. You are trying to do your family a favor by letting them stay with you while you visit and this type of behavior should be unacceptable to Sally's parents. If they are unwilling to take action when Sally is acting up, then you have the right to discipline her yourself while she's under your roof. If her parents don't like it, then you can ask them to stay in a hotel during their visits.
Maybe during their next visit or over the phone you can have a heart to heart discussion with Sally about why she is being such a brat and pulling a Winona Ryder in your house. It may be an extension of something that is going on at home or school that your brother or sister-in-law hasn't told you about. Many times when children act out it's because there's a bigger issue going on.
Sally is not your kid so ultimately you can not make parenting decisions. All you can do is tell Sally's parents how you feel and hope they do something about it. For future visits, tell them they can either keep their kid in check, stay in a hotel, or don't visit at all. Maybe that will be enough to make them realize Sally's behavior is inappropriate and unwelcoming.
Lots of Love,
Lindsey
Question from Perturbed Parent
Dear Lindsey
I took all 4 of my kids (yes all 4) to a graduation. I brought books, treats, you name it I brought it...so my kids sat and played with their stuff and not one word was made the whole time. But across the way a woman had with her 1 child that screamed and cried the whole 2 hours. After the 2 hours were up this older woman came up to me and thanked me for keeping my kids under control, and then she walked over to the other woman and told her that she should take a lesson from me and keep her kid under control.
I felt really bad for the woman with the upset child. I don't think it is anyone's place to make a comment like that to someone. I am sure the mom of the screaming kid was plenty embarrassed and really did not need it pointed out to them that her kid was a disruption.
Dear Perturbed Parent,
It sounds like the old bag needs to mind her own business and not make an already difficult situation that much worse for a struggling parent. I think any parent knows that children are going to melt down from time to time and a parent can only try to do the best they can to diffuse the situation. The only time when a stranger needs to comment on another person's parenting skills is if it is a safety issue. I'll admit, I've told a child to sit down when they are standing in a cart in the middle of Target and the mom is two aisles over looking at clothes. That child could fall and crack their head and obviously no one else is paying attention to him. If it's a situation like a melt down or temper tantrum, I'm sure the parent is already frustrated and ready to flip out so just shut your mouth, put in some ear plugs, and suck it up.
With that being said, I think parents need to know when to draw the line in public situations. If your child is screaming for two hours straight, maybe you should have removed the child from the situation when you realized that there was no calming the child down. Sometimes a change of scenery or another distraction can help the child to calm down. If you can't make the child happy in the environment they are currently in, then you need to end the child's suffering and take them home. I think most people understand that sometimes a child just can't be comforted enough to behave, and they understand if you need to bail on an important event.
If I were that woman with the screaming child I would have told that lady, "Thanks for the advice. Next time my child has a meltdown, I'll find you in the crowd and let you handle it since you obviously know better than I do. Dumb ass!"
Lots of love,
Lindsey
Question from Annoyed at Work
Dear Lindsey,
I work with in a hospital department with a group of about 15 people. I'm not particularly fond of two of my coworkers, one male and one female who'll I'll call Joe and Janice. Don't get me wrong, they're nice people, but they're both a little on the bossy side and somewhat annoying. The thing that bothers me about these two is that Joe brings Janice gifts all the time and she's a married woman. He'll show up with chocolates, flowers, trinkets, and other small gifts. In return, she'll shower him with compliments and sexual innuendos. She claims it's just harmless flirting and she would never act on any advances from Joe, but I think it's crossing a line. Their obvious flirting bothers most of us in our department, but since both of them have somewhat overbearing personalities and we all want to avoid workplace conflict, no one will say anything to them. How can we end this inappropriate behavior in our workplace?
Annoyed at Work
Dear Annoyed at Work,
It sounds like someone in your department needs to grow a pair and just tell these two that they're acting gross and inappropriate. I understand not wanting to create an even more uncomfortable situation by calling them out, but if it's bothering you and the rest of your coworkers that much then it needs to end.
The best solution would be to let your supervisor know how you and your coworkers feel about these two love birds. It should be your supervisor's responsibility to resolve conflicts, especially ones that are making the majority of the staff uncomfortable. Just explain the situation and why you feel the way you do in a professional manner and let your supervisor know you'd like the issue resolved as soon as possible.
If for some reason your supervisor speaks to Joe and Janice and they still continue their inappropriate behavior, you can either try to talk to your boss again or start dropping some not so subtle hints that they are grossing you out. You could ask Janice how her husband feels when she brings home these gifts. That might make her realize that the gifts are inappropriate. You could tell her there's a rumor going around that she and Joe are having an affair (even if there is no rumor) and it's being fueled by their constant flirting. Maybe the embarrassment of being known as a cheater will knock some sense into her.
If subtleties don't work, then just come out and say it. It sounds like your coworkers would back you up. Maybe if a few of you confront Joe and Janice together you can tackle the issue. There's strength in numbers when faced with a difficult situation.
If all else fails, you can pull a total jerk move and let Janice's husband in on what's been going on at work. Maybe an anonymous email or phone call??? A pissed off husband can end this nonsense real quick.
Lots of love,
Lindsey
I work with in a hospital department with a group of about 15 people. I'm not particularly fond of two of my coworkers, one male and one female who'll I'll call Joe and Janice. Don't get me wrong, they're nice people, but they're both a little on the bossy side and somewhat annoying. The thing that bothers me about these two is that Joe brings Janice gifts all the time and she's a married woman. He'll show up with chocolates, flowers, trinkets, and other small gifts. In return, she'll shower him with compliments and sexual innuendos. She claims it's just harmless flirting and she would never act on any advances from Joe, but I think it's crossing a line. Their obvious flirting bothers most of us in our department, but since both of them have somewhat overbearing personalities and we all want to avoid workplace conflict, no one will say anything to them. How can we end this inappropriate behavior in our workplace?
Annoyed at Work
Dear Annoyed at Work,
It sounds like someone in your department needs to grow a pair and just tell these two that they're acting gross and inappropriate. I understand not wanting to create an even more uncomfortable situation by calling them out, but if it's bothering you and the rest of your coworkers that much then it needs to end.
The best solution would be to let your supervisor know how you and your coworkers feel about these two love birds. It should be your supervisor's responsibility to resolve conflicts, especially ones that are making the majority of the staff uncomfortable. Just explain the situation and why you feel the way you do in a professional manner and let your supervisor know you'd like the issue resolved as soon as possible.
If for some reason your supervisor speaks to Joe and Janice and they still continue their inappropriate behavior, you can either try to talk to your boss again or start dropping some not so subtle hints that they are grossing you out. You could ask Janice how her husband feels when she brings home these gifts. That might make her realize that the gifts are inappropriate. You could tell her there's a rumor going around that she and Joe are having an affair (even if there is no rumor) and it's being fueled by their constant flirting. Maybe the embarrassment of being known as a cheater will knock some sense into her.
If subtleties don't work, then just come out and say it. It sounds like your coworkers would back you up. Maybe if a few of you confront Joe and Janice together you can tackle the issue. There's strength in numbers when faced with a difficult situation.
If all else fails, you can pull a total jerk move and let Janice's husband in on what's been going on at work. Maybe an anonymous email or phone call??? A pissed off husband can end this nonsense real quick.
Lots of love,
Lindsey
Review of Mexican Everyday
For Mother's Day I asked for the cookbook Mexican Everyday by Rick Bayless. You may have seen him on Top Chef Masters on Bravo TV. He is AWESOME. He is basically the king of Mexican cuisine and I'm pretty sure he's not even of Latin descent.
Last night I picked the recipe for tomatillo-sauced enchiladas with spinach and mushrooms and embarked on my culinary adventure. I had read through the recipe before hand, but most of the time, when I'm using a famous chef's recipe I somehow get lost in the middle and end up screwing something up. Usually what I make never looks like the picture in the book. And the directions are somewhat difficult to follow so I kind of wing it towards the middle of the recipe. Not this time! I breezed through the directions and ended with a successful and beautiful dish. I couldn't believe it. I also made a side of cilantro lime rice; recipe courtesy of myself.
After dinner I couldn't believe how great everything turned out and was excited to peruse the cookbook for more dinner adventures. I highly recommend this cookbook for anyone who enjoys cooking and eating Mexican food. Because of copyright enfringement and because I don't want to piss off Mr. Bayless I can not give out the recipe for the enchiladas, however, here is the recipe for my super easy rice inspired by Chipotle.
1 cup instant rice
3/4 cup chicken or vegetable broth
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
Salt to taste
Chopped cilantro to taste
Combine the broth, salt, and lime juice in a pot and bring to a boil. Stir in the instant rice and cover. Let stand for 5 minutes or until the liquid is soaked up. Stir in the cilantro until wilted. Serve and enjoy.
Here's a picture of the final product. Yeah me and Rick Bayless. What a good team.
Question from Confused in El Paso
Dear Lindsey,
My boyfriend and I met during our sophomore year of college and moved in together after graduation. Six years later, we are still living together, renting an apartment, but he hasn't proposed yet. I love everything about him and we rarely fight except when it comes to getting engaged. He can't come up with a valid reason to not get married. He'll tell me he wants to wait until he can afford a nice ring, or until we can afford a nice wedding, or until we can afford a house. We both make a comfortable salary, so really none of these excuses are valid. Plus, I always tell him I don't need a fancy ring, wedding, or house. I'm a simple person and whatever he can afford I'd be happy with. I'd be happy eloping and getting married at the court house.
I believe his lack of commitment stems from his parents getting divorced when he was in high school. It was a terrible, messy divorce and it took my boyfriend a long time to recover. We talk about it once in a while when he is up for talking about it, and I try to reassure him that I am madly in love with him and we would never end like that.
I don't know how much longer I can wait. I try to convince myself that I'd be find if we never got married, but really I want to be able to call him my husband. I love him so much, but I'm not getting any younger and I'd like to start a family soon. Is there any way I can get him to commit?
-Confused in El Paso
Dear Confused in El Paso,
Have you ever heard the saying, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? I think this may apply in this case.
It sounds like your boyfriend is coming up with excuses to not propose when there actual may be a bigger issue at hand. He may need counseling to help get over his commitment issues, especially if he was scarred by his parents' divorce. That is a hard thing to get over even as a teenager, and if he's never dealt with his feelings then he may have some pent up issues he needs to get out. If he doesn't deal with those issues, you may never see that ring you so desire. You may want to politely suggest he talk to a professional and even offer to go with him if he needs the support.
If you want to go the non-traditional route, you could always propose to him. If he says no, then pick up the pieces of your broken heart and move on. If he says yes, then set up that appointment at the court house since you don't care about having a wedding.
If you don't want to propose, then the only other alternative is giving him an ultimatum. It sounds like a bitchy thing to do, but it seems you're at a crossroads anyway. You either need to move in the direction you want to that makes you happy or move on to bigger and better things that will lead you to that happiness you desire. Guys typically don't like ultimatums, but he needs to sh*t or get off the pot, as the saying goes.
If all else fails you could pull the classic soap opera move and get knocked up to force your man into marrying you. Please don't do that though.
Lots of love,
Lindsey
My boyfriend and I met during our sophomore year of college and moved in together after graduation. Six years later, we are still living together, renting an apartment, but he hasn't proposed yet. I love everything about him and we rarely fight except when it comes to getting engaged. He can't come up with a valid reason to not get married. He'll tell me he wants to wait until he can afford a nice ring, or until we can afford a nice wedding, or until we can afford a house. We both make a comfortable salary, so really none of these excuses are valid. Plus, I always tell him I don't need a fancy ring, wedding, or house. I'm a simple person and whatever he can afford I'd be happy with. I'd be happy eloping and getting married at the court house.
I believe his lack of commitment stems from his parents getting divorced when he was in high school. It was a terrible, messy divorce and it took my boyfriend a long time to recover. We talk about it once in a while when he is up for talking about it, and I try to reassure him that I am madly in love with him and we would never end like that.
I don't know how much longer I can wait. I try to convince myself that I'd be find if we never got married, but really I want to be able to call him my husband. I love him so much, but I'm not getting any younger and I'd like to start a family soon. Is there any way I can get him to commit?
-Confused in El Paso
Dear Confused in El Paso,
Have you ever heard the saying, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? I think this may apply in this case.
It sounds like your boyfriend is coming up with excuses to not propose when there actual may be a bigger issue at hand. He may need counseling to help get over his commitment issues, especially if he was scarred by his parents' divorce. That is a hard thing to get over even as a teenager, and if he's never dealt with his feelings then he may have some pent up issues he needs to get out. If he doesn't deal with those issues, you may never see that ring you so desire. You may want to politely suggest he talk to a professional and even offer to go with him if he needs the support.
If you want to go the non-traditional route, you could always propose to him. If he says no, then pick up the pieces of your broken heart and move on. If he says yes, then set up that appointment at the court house since you don't care about having a wedding.
If you don't want to propose, then the only other alternative is giving him an ultimatum. It sounds like a bitchy thing to do, but it seems you're at a crossroads anyway. You either need to move in the direction you want to that makes you happy or move on to bigger and better things that will lead you to that happiness you desire. Guys typically don't like ultimatums, but he needs to sh*t or get off the pot, as the saying goes.
If all else fails you could pull the classic soap opera move and get knocked up to force your man into marrying you. Please don't do that though.
Lots of love,
Lindsey
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