Dear Lindsey,
I am a 36 year old, divorcee with three children ages, 14, 12, and 9. I've been dating my boyfriend, "Harry" for a year and a half now. I truly think he is my soul mate, if that exists. He's everything I've been looking for and never found with my ex-husband. Harry is 3, has never been married, and has no children. He's expressed to me in passing that although he loves my children, he'd like to have at least one of his own some day. I'm not sure I want to have any more children. I've loved raising the three I have and enjoy getting to bond with them doing things children their ages enjoy. The idea of sleepless nights, poopy diapers, and breast feeding frankly make me somewhat nauseous to think about. I love Harry and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't know if I'm willing to give him a child just to keep him in my life. I also don't think it's very fair of me to ask him to spend the rest of his life with a woman who isn't willing to give him what he wants. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Unsettled
Dear Unsettled,
You are in quite the pickle! I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure if I have a good answer for you. It sounds like you and Harry have never really sat down and discussed the baby issue. Your best bet is to sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart discussion about what you both really want and try to come to some compromise. It may be that he just mentioned it to see what your reaction would be. It's possible he would like to have kids, but he's willing to pass on the opportunity just to be with you. On the other hand, it may be a deal breaker for him. You won't know until you two hash out the situation.
You also need to do some soul searching of your own. Would having another child really be the worse thing in the world, especially if the baby was part you and part of your "soul mate"? If you really love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him, you may want to reconsider your stance on having a baby. The thought of sleepless nights and poopy diapers may be nauseating now, but that phase doesn't last that long in the grand scheme of things. What you're left with is a beautiful child that has come from both of you.
If you decide you absolutely are done having children, then you need to make that clear to Harry and let him decide whether he wants to be with you or not. Please, please, please do not have a baby just to keep your man. That is something immature girls do, not grown women. I'm not sure of your mental status (hopefully it's a positive one), but you never know when feelings of resentment and regret may creep into your head after the baby is here. This could cause friction between you and Harry in the long run, which could lead to your second divorce. This also leaves you with a child you didn't want in the first place.
Follow your head on this one, because your heart is going to lead to irrational decisions! Good luck!
Lots of love,
Lindsey
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Question from Stuck in the Middle
Sorry to all of my readers for the break in posts. I was on vacation in the lovely state of Wisconsin, but have returned to tell it like it is. Thanks for reading!
Dear Lindsey,
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and about 3 months ago I cheated on him with a co-worker while I was drunk at a work party. It was a stupid decision that I deeply regret. I haven't told my boyfriend yet because I just can't come up with the right words to express how stupid I am and how much I love him. The worst part is that I recently found out I'm pregnant and the conception date would be right about the time I cheated. With a baby now in the mix, I'm debating whether I should even tell my boyfriend or not and just let him think the baby is his. If I did that, my child would grow up with a loving father, but if I told him the truth I risk losing him and having no father for my baby. I'm absolutely stuck as to what I should do. Please help.
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
Next time you decide to get drunk at a party, please keep your legs closed. This is one of the most careless acts I've ever heard of. I can't believe you pulled a "Maury Povich" and have no idea who your baby's daddy is.
You absolutely have to tell both men. You made the stupid decision to cheat on your boyfriend, and now you must live with the consequences. It's not fair to anyone to assume the baby is your boyfriend's and go on living your lives as normal. What happens if God forbid something happens to your child and it's exposed that he has neither of your blood types, but in fact has the blood type of your co-worker. It's a long-shot scenario, but if something like that happens you are going to make your life much worse. The truth always ends up coming out somehow, and it's always better to just fess up instead of lying.
Tell both men right away so you know where you stand with each of them. If your boyfriend cans your ass, then too bad, you deserve it. Your co-worker also needs to know that he could potentially be a daddy because that is a life-long commitment that he needs to prepare himself for.
I would get the baby tested as soon as it's safe so these two poor saps aren't left in the lurch. If both men abandon you then you need to start figuring out what you're going to do to support both you and your child. Please don't screw up your kid's life any more than it already is just because you couldn't keep your panties on!
Lots of Love,
Lindsey
Dear Lindsey,
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and about 3 months ago I cheated on him with a co-worker while I was drunk at a work party. It was a stupid decision that I deeply regret. I haven't told my boyfriend yet because I just can't come up with the right words to express how stupid I am and how much I love him. The worst part is that I recently found out I'm pregnant and the conception date would be right about the time I cheated. With a baby now in the mix, I'm debating whether I should even tell my boyfriend or not and just let him think the baby is his. If I did that, my child would grow up with a loving father, but if I told him the truth I risk losing him and having no father for my baby. I'm absolutely stuck as to what I should do. Please help.
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
Next time you decide to get drunk at a party, please keep your legs closed. This is one of the most careless acts I've ever heard of. I can't believe you pulled a "Maury Povich" and have no idea who your baby's daddy is.
You absolutely have to tell both men. You made the stupid decision to cheat on your boyfriend, and now you must live with the consequences. It's not fair to anyone to assume the baby is your boyfriend's and go on living your lives as normal. What happens if God forbid something happens to your child and it's exposed that he has neither of your blood types, but in fact has the blood type of your co-worker. It's a long-shot scenario, but if something like that happens you are going to make your life much worse. The truth always ends up coming out somehow, and it's always better to just fess up instead of lying.
Tell both men right away so you know where you stand with each of them. If your boyfriend cans your ass, then too bad, you deserve it. Your co-worker also needs to know that he could potentially be a daddy because that is a life-long commitment that he needs to prepare himself for.
I would get the baby tested as soon as it's safe so these two poor saps aren't left in the lurch. If both men abandon you then you need to start figuring out what you're going to do to support both you and your child. Please don't screw up your kid's life any more than it already is just because you couldn't keep your panties on!
Lots of Love,
Lindsey
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