I'M BACK PEOPLE!!! Sorry for the hiatus. We had a lot going on the past few weeks and I just couldn't fit blogging into the schedule. Now that things have calmed down a bit I would like to continue to entertain the masses with my not-so-subtle opinions.
Instead of answering a question today, I would like to discuss something that has come up a lot lately. My son is almost 9 months, and we've started getting the question, "When do you plan on trying for your second baby?" This got me thinking about all of the moments in life when you get the same question asked of you over and over and just don't have a good response. I'd like to discuss some of those repeatedly asked questions and give some examples of some witty responses that will hopefully deter people from asking the question again.
1. Junior to Senior year of high school/college - "What are your plans for after graduation?"
For those of you attending college - "I plan on going to (fill in school name here) where I will work on my drinking skills, max out several different credit cards, and gain 20 pounds. Thanks for asking."
For those of you working - "I got a job at (fill in employer here). It's an entry level position, but I know I can sleep my way to the top in no time. Thanks for asking."
For those who have no idea - "I plan on playing the lottery daily until I hit a jackpot large enough to do nothing all day but cruise around on my yacht and smoke weed. Thanks for asking."
2. After you've been dating someone for a significant amount of time - "When are you two going to get
"As soon as they catch my boyfriend/girlfriend's ex. He/She's bat shit crazy and has sent death threats to me warning us not to get married. The police are on the hunt, but he/she's a sly fox!"
"As soon as they legalize gay marriage. If they can't be miserable like the rest of us, then what's the point?"
"I'm not sure. As it turns out we may possibly be related, so we're looking into that. Thanks for asking."
"We're already married, but we haven't told anyone. We're swearing you to secrecy so please don't spill the beans"
3. After you're married - "When do you think you'll have a baby?"
"I guess about 9 months after I get pregnant, duh!"
"We're not sure we want to bring a baby into a world where Kenny G is still making records."
"What do you mean? We already have a baby. It has four legs and is named Spot. He's such a good dog."
"As soon as a sperm fertilizes an egg. Damn sperm, just need to swim a little faster! Thanks for asking."
4. After you've separated from your spouse - "Do you think you're headed for divorce?"
"I was actually just headed to the grocery store, but thanks for asking."
"I hope so. Then I can legally sleep with a different person every night." Thanks for asking."
"Heck no. I doing the rest of the world a favor by keeping my spouse legally off the market."
"I don't like to use the term divorce. I'd rather say, let loose from the shackles of marriage."
5. On your 50th wedding anniversary - "What is your secret to a happy marriage?"
"Who says we're happy?"
"Lots of KY Jelly and removable teeth!
"We swung a lot with other couples back in the day."
"Learn how to tune out your spouse and then just nod and smile."
"We were never legally married so we knew we could walk away at any time. It takes the pressure off."
"Strippers and booze my friend, strippers and booze!"
I hope some of these smart ass answers come in handy to you some day. Good luck.
Lots of love,